The sinking, the bobbing and then the emergence by Marium Mansoor

Dear Diary,

I feel a low I can’t describe. The world around me is changing, I slept in one world and woke up in another.

My heart, once used to a steady rhythm, trips and beats, then sinks into a pit I can’t describe. The days and nights run into one other, the purpose of my life spinning into knots.

Aunt Flo has kicked in early this month and the cramps make my mood worse, my mind entangled in thoughts I can’t decipher.

Nothing gives me peace anymore. Scrolling through YouTube aimlessly, I suddenly stop at something. It’s the same video my mom sent me on WhatsApp months ago, when I was dealing with my anxiety.

It’s a recitation of a part of the Quran and as I click on it, the sonorous voice of the Qari reciting the beautiful ayats wash over me.

And, here at last, is the peace, the happiness, the steady sound of my heart beating in worship as I close my eyes and lean back.

Why does this give me so peace, I wonder and sit up. What does this ayat mean, these words which have the power of imparting a serenity into my whole sense of being.

I look at the screen closely, the translation is running besides the ayat. Tears fill my eyes. The ayat I’m listening to refers to the incident of our blessed Prophet, may peace and blessings be upon him, and Abu Bakr Siddique (RA) when they were hiding in the cave.

Abu Bakr (RA) was afraid, and the Prophet consoles him, fear not, Allah is with us. The ayat continues on that Allah sent down peace on them and helped them with forces invisible to mankind.

I bring my knees to my chest and cry my heart out. Allah, I need you. I, too, am afraid, I too need help with forces that are invisible.

This, is my purpose in life. This is what I am meant to do, what I was created for. His worship, His glorification and the preparation for my journey back to Him.

My heartbeat calms and my palms don’t feel clammy anymore. The recitation continues, the beautiful words reassuring me that all will be well with the world. Allah is here to help, if only we realized. If only we turned to Him. If only we lived our life as He has ordained.